Children they say are a blessing from god but from what I see, the general collection of thought from the society thinks otherwise. Most people say that they want to have children or that they love their kids but if you go on the internet; you will see many stories and articles that say the opposite.
You will see stories of people hurting their children and even killing them in cold blood. And you will see articles from people giving you reasons why you shouldn’t have children.
The society chastises the people who are aware and conscious enough to know that children aren’t for them and have decided not to have kids. Isn’t it better to not have kids than to have them and hurt them or kill them?
A selfish person who understands the degree of their selfishness and therefore decides not to have children is better than a selfish person who in an effort to change said selfish characteristic decides to have children but then is selfish towards those children and jeopardizes their wellbeing in the process.
Why we have children
Most of us have children for a number of selfish reasons, reasons that I will get to in a bit. But first let me tell you a story.
There was a nice young lady who had a boyfriend, they loved each other very much and then she got pregnant; when she got pregnant, she immediately knew that she was going to abort the child because she didn’t want to have a child at that time for reasons best known to her.
The decision had already been made within herself and all she wanted to do before going for the appointment was to tell her boyfriend first. Only to inform him for the sake of information but things changed when she told him. He wanted her to keep the baby.
Now, because he wanted her to keep the baby she decided to keep it and their “loving relationship” continued until the baby was due. A couple of things went wrong during delivery and she lost the baby, she lost the baby and her boyfriend broke up with her. She was devastated… mostly for the boyfriend leaving her and not for loosing their child. I would like you to evaluate this story and figure for yourself why she wanted this baby.
People have children for so many reasons
- Because they believe it is what they are supposed to do
- To save their relationship with their partner or to make it better
- Peer pressure: just so that they can tell people that they are now a mom or a dad (women do this a lot)
- They think having children is also an achievement (which in some ways it kind of is)
- Someone to carry on the family name or legacy
- To make their partner and family/partner’s family happy
- Because they think that having a child will make them instantly happy and that happiness will last forever.
- Fear of missing out
There are many other reasons why people have children but the above listed are the most common.
The only reason that you should want a child or children is because you want to. It should be born out of pure desire from a soul that is sure of what it wants.
This is a complicated territory because not all of us truly know what we want and amongst those of us who are sure of the things we want; not all know why we want those things and if we are supposed to want the things we want.
A man cries that he wants a son and does everything to have that son; when the son starts to grow and does not become the person his father wants of him, the man begins to regret his decision to have a son. Why did he want a son in the first place? Because he wanted a person to live vicariously through… not really a son.
The responsibility that comes with children
A child is a one of the biggest responsibility you will ever have in your life; the care of another human being in your hands. This human being has emotional, physical and mental needs that you as a parent/guardian must meet. The older they get, the bigger their needs will be and this is when your abilities as a parent will be tested beyond measure.
It is easier to care for a cute baby who doesn’t talk and all you have to do is feed, clothe and shelter. But when that baby becomes a teenager with certain insecurities that you must guide out of; you will need to do more than the basic three. If you think feeding, clothing and sheltering your child is all there is to parenting then having children is probably not for you. PRISONS ALSO FEED, CLOTHE AND SHELTER THEIR INMATES.
Things you must know and do before bringing children into your life
Heal your traumas
A broken person will break you and a hurt person will only hurt you. This is why the family of an addict also need emotional help and therapy because of the damage the addiction has done to them. If you have unhealed trauma especially childhood trauma that you haven’t taken care of yet, this is the time to start your healing process.
And if you think that you are only going to love your children unhealed trauma or not… you are setting yourself up for more damage because your children will grow and they may unknowingly trigger your past trauma. If they do this, you will watch yourself hurt them to an unbearable degree and you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from doing so.
Let’s say you were raped in the past and in order to cope with that incident, you became numb to the pain thereby emotionless; when you have children, you will also be numb and emotionless towards them. You will be emotionally removed from them and your children will need your affection… but you won’t be able to give them that affection until you tackle your own issues and heal from the trauma of being raped.
We have all had painful and traumatic incidents happen to us but we must heal and let go if we want to be better people to ourselves and others. One of the major hurt most of us have experienced, is hurt from our own parents; hurt that we hold on to and at a point have made our identity.
Holding on to pain of the past is like holding firm to a sharp blade of a knife that is being pulled away from you. Think about all the blood and injury that knife will cause. If your parent(s) hurt you in the past, it is time to heal from that trauma and move on. If not that hurt will either turn you into the parent you hate most or it will push you into the arms of a partner that acts like that parent and your partner will do all the things your parent(s) did to you all over again.
I can’t over emphasis this point enough. You must heal your past traumas, especially your childhood traumas; if you want to be a good parents to your children… whether future or current. Read this post on how to forgive and let go of hurt.
Work on yourself
Someone once said that our relationships show the most unloving parts of us, this is true. I hear people talk about how they have so much love to give their future spouse and children. But when they enter a relationship, their actions show that they have little love to give because they have not loved themselves enough to even begin to love another.
They say relationships are not easy, this is because our insecurities destroy our relationships and your relationship with your children is not exempted from the destruction. The more insecurities you have, the more difficult your relationship will be with your children because children manifest the parts of us that we hate and love about ourselves and society.
This is why a man who hates women may either have a feminist daughter, a daughter who cannot stand up for herself or a son who subconsciously hates women as well and doesn’t know why.
If you want to see who you really are, look at your children. They are an accurate reflection of your insecurities and self-esteem. So, please work on yourself… accept that you are not perfect and work on yourself every single day of your life for the rest of your life. Because the better you become as a person, the better and happier your children will become. To start working on yourself, do this program
Work on living a fulfilled life
Your life is your life and your child’s life is your child’s life. If you work on your own life, you will not feel the need to find fulfilment in your child’s life. If you have chosen to dedicate your life to raising your children, you should not want something in return.
The act of raising them should be fulfilling for you. If you feel unfulfilled with dedicating your life to raise your children, don’t expect your children to make you happy, don’t force them to live the kind of life you want for them just to make you happy (that is wickedness); they didn’t ask you to dedicate your entire life to them, you did.
Know yourself and live accordingly. As you raise your children, don’t forget about yourself; there is nothing honourable in self sacrifice when it comes to relationships, it only leads to resentment.
If I sacrifice myself for someone and they don’t give me what I want from them, I will be resentful towards that person. Don’t forget that your children are human beings, human beings are not perfect; this means that they will not always do the things that will make you happy, so you must find happiness within yourself at all times. And this can only be possible if you are happy with who you are as a person.
You are a guardian not a master
The fact that you are a parent doesn’t mean that you know it all and the fact that your children came into this world after you doesn’t mean that they don’t know anything at all.
Your children will grow to be human beings with their own desires, needs, fears, personality and views on life which may be different from yours; you must respect this. As your children grow, your job moves from being a caretaker to a guardian. Your job will be to guide them not control or command them. At the end of the day, no matter what you do and how you do it, you cannot stop a child from becoming the person they are meant to be.
Most of you don’t want to be human in the eyes of your children, that is why you can never accept your mistakes when they are involved but what you fail to understand is that; children always end up seeing their parents for who they are. No matter how long it takes, they will eventually see you clearly.
Your children will not loose respect for you if you accept your mistakes and apologise to them, instead they will have more respect for you because they will learn that being a human who makes mistakes is not a grave thing. And they won’t beat themselves up too much when they make mistakes as well. Don’t forget that a person who learns everyday is better than a perfect person.
Your child is not your property
This is self explanatory but some people still fail to understand it and treat their children like property. Your car is your property and no matter how you treat your car, it cannot leave you. But your children can leave you… when they are tired of being treated like property.
Learn to listen to your children and hear what they want; imposing your wants and desires on your children is you telling them that they don’t matter and this could be traumatic for them. Your children must not always agree with you and this is very healthy because it shows that they are developing a sense of self.
If you want something that agrees with you all the time, get a robot and program it to agree with you always. Your aim should be to nurture the bond and connection you have with your children not treat them like the chair in your living room.
In all you do, whether you already have children or not; don’t forget that your children did not ask for you to have them, you wanted them and had them, so it is your responsibility to help them become the best version of themselves. You are not allowed to feel entitled to the point of asking them to give you something in exchange for you raising them… that is nuts; it only proves that having them in your life alone is not enough for you.
As the spiritual teacher, Osho said “The family is certainly the cause of all kinds of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia. The whole sickness of man’s mind is created by the family”. So, cure your own madness so that you don’t make your children mad.